Fatma Jallouli

I am sorry I picked your last apple. 
Last night was one of the saddest nights I’ve lived through. We were in your twin-sized bed, cuddling and watching your favorite show. You were eating caramel popcorn. I was eating the burnt, salty pieces of mine. I was watching you. You were watching the screen. I was thinking about tomorrow without you. You were still laughing. It was funny, I guess.
You turned suddenly, annoyed, to remind me that I had burned your popcorn again.
I apologized and went to the kitchen to make your favorite cinnamon baked apples. You kept watching your show. I heard you giggle while I waited for the oven timer. I sliced an apple for myself too, on a small white plate. Just one.
Walking down the hallway with both plates in my hands, I realized this was our last night together. We hadn’t said goodbye yet. We decided to save the crying for the morning.
I sat next to you and watched you smile at the apples. I ate mine until the plate was empty. We talked. We kissed. We fell asleep. I slept first. I was already exhausted from what was coming.
In the morning, we cried. You cried. I cried. I promised I would visit sooner than you think. That I would be with you again in no time. Then I left.
Now, three years later, the tears have dried. I’m in Portugal, living on a different continent. It’s a sunny Sunday. I’m at a farmer’s market buying fruit. I buy three kinds of apples.
It’s busy, but I can only think of you.
I sit on a bench and bite into a red one.
The taste takes me back to the apple I took from your counter the day I disappeared from your life.
I am sorry I picked your last apple.
I am sorry I burned your popcorn.
I am sorry I didn’t look longer into your eyes.
I am sorry I didn’t hug you tighter before the cab came.
I am sorry I didn’t come back.
I didn’t grow up liking apples. I used to think they were pathetic. You made me like them over time. Not love. Just like.
You’ll never read this. I know the mistakes would bother you. I’m relieved.
I still think of you every time I eat apples.
And I eat them every day.