The fear, right here

Ngoc Nguyen

I.
It’s two a.m. and I’m just sitting here
Cover my head by shaking hands and a huge bloody fear
I do not want to admit it but the fear inside is growing in every hurting minute
Being a girl is not a choice
Loving a girl is not a choice
My skin does not have to make me feel so cheap in this way
By the way they look at me by the way the talk to me
I can feel that they think I don’t belong to this place
It’s hard to live in this country right now, but it’s even harder to go back to where I was
They don’t accept me, they don’t want someone who can break the peace
They don’t like someone who does not belong to right categories
What should I do
Where should I go from now
When everything seems so not sound and I can’t share my feeling out loud
I don’t want to break it
But don’t know how to keep it
Feeling safe regardless of who I am

II.
They don’t understand what I say
They don’t see the reasons the act was made
It’s the culture, it’s the skin color
That’s why there are many people are being separate
How many times do I have to be this way
Dressed nicely, fully made up
So in the shopping center, I will not be treated differently
How to be like a girl?
Be soft, not too smart and don’t try too hard
Let the man take care of the rest, building our own nest
How to become a nice woman?
Speak gently, don’t confront difficulty, don’t mess with masculinity
It’s hard to be a female with all the fairy tales surrounding our childhood
Double standards, all the expectations we have to catch
I’m scared that I can’t do it
That I’m not the one who is needed
And I cannot overcome the storms hiding, not under my bed
But in my head, in my future ahead

III.
We have the right to choose to stay beside the one we love
But why I cannot talk about the person that I hope
Spend the rest of my life with feeling of deep admire
They said it’s disgusting
Many people have been abusing
Just because they choose to love someone, not want to live in sorrow and blank
Queer, should I label myself with that word
Should I fight just like many queer people in this world
Will it work, why am I still stuck when I want to talk with my parents
When I can’t find any solution in this moment
Why they can’t stop judging people
We have all many variables
That make us up, all the stories we long to tell
The value and the bless, all things we know are the best
Are covering up, like unwanted stuff
Waiting to be seen, hoping to be recognized
The tide will rise, and I still want to smile

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