Colin McArthur, Depression

NARDIL® (Phenelzine)

 

Feeling down? Try doctor recommended NARDIL®, a prescription medication thattreats many symptoms of depression. Tell your doctor right away if your depression worsens, as this can be a side effect of taking anti-depression medication. Other side effects include: sleep disturbances (including insomnia and hypersomnia); fatigue; boredom; weakness; tremors; twitching; malaise; a sudden urge to call your parents; intense crying while dialing phones; and uncontrollable muscle movements in response to having to call the people who conceived you, birthed you, schooled you, bought you clothes, food, cars, more food, tuition, weddings, baby clothes for you, baby clothes for your children, and now the mere idea of sharing a conversation on a technological device over the safe distance of 1,479 miles (2380.22 kilometers) and having to sit through talk that is so boring (see side effect #3) it paralyzes you for fear of committing the same mistakes, same broken promises and live all that life just to end up boring. Muscle movement side effects can include, but are not limited to, slamming down phone receivers and remaining cordial even when you want to scream. NARDIL® Don’t You Deserve It?

 

SURMONTIL® (Trimipramine)

 

Raindrops keep falling on your head? Try SURMONTIL®, a prescription medication thattreats many symptoms of depression. Tell your doctor immediately if you have thoughts of suicide as anti-depressants can increase these feelings in teens, young children, adults over 40, and beings that breathe oxygen. Other side effects include: drowsiness; difficulty urinating; regret; headache; weakness; changes in appetite or weight; doubt; uncomfortable silences; looks of disgust from your children; localized pain in your heart from desire to know your own offspring; widespread pain from desire to be known by your offspring; an overwhelming feeling of disconnection to a creature that you grew, grew in your body, fed with your cells, your peroxisomes, your mitochondria, cytoplasm, lysosomes, your very nucleus, and this is the thanks you get? and this is how your repay me? and I just want to spend time with you, and where do you think you’re going? and, in rare cases, fuck me? no fuck you! Upon taking SURMONTIL®, dizziness or fainting may occur on standing on the hill on which you choose to die. SURMONTIL® Because Feeling Alone Might Not Be Normal.

 

EFFEXOR® (Venlafaxine Hydrochloride)

 

Can’t shake that dark cloud following you? Try EFFEXOR®, a prescription medication thattreats many symptoms of depression. Before using this medication, tell your doctor or pharmacist your medical history, especially of: bleeding problems, glaucoma, high blood pressure, or heart problems, as these can be detrimental to effectiveness. Other side effects include: skin rash or hives; difficulty breathing; swelling of your face, lips, tongue, or throat; anxiety; death; panic attacks; trouble sleeping; death; feelings of blackness, nothingness, emptiness, lightness; a propensity for looking backward, staring backward into a blurred scene where nothing but the changes in color can be made out against one another; glimpsing visions of one blurred hill of color rolling into the next hill of complimentary color; the glorious warmth of slipping into those colors and having them spiral together into black; visions of smiling babies, grandparents, your own face (young and old) mixing into a sea of glorious blackness. If these symptoms persist, contact your health care professional immediately as slipping away into eternal, unknown blackness may prove fatal in some cases. EFFEXOR® The Feel Better Solution!

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